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shattered and broken asks ... I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house,laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. Can you please help? The Bronny Barnacle says ... A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps. |
mintcherrie asks ... hi im trying to find a marine called steve from derby can anyone help? The Bronny Barnacle says ... as has been said many times these pages are tongue-in-cheek, and not really to be taken seriously....unless of course what gets said in the replies actually fits and is related to a particular problem you may be having in your life!!! if you were to drop into the forums of this site, I'm sure someone in there may be able to help you out |
Accountant asks ... I seem to be having a problem lately, in that my forum post count is decreasing. Will this cause me any financial penalties. Will I need to take more meds to see me through this crisis? or is it all pointless? Just Johnny T says ... I would say that pointless is a strong word and indicates a lack of self-esteem and some serious personal issues. The fact that you associate your forum post count with the size of your penis (a professional like me can read between the lines) is very worrying. To then compound this inadequate personal perception of yourself with a possible financial burden leads me to conclude that you do indeed need to up your meds.. and quite considerable... may I suggest drinking Cillit Bang? BANG! And the posts were gone.... |
Hans Lederhosen asks ... Ich hoffe wirklich, daß jemand mir mit meinem problem helfen kann. Ich möchte sehr im forumabschnitt bekanntgeben, aber traurig spreche ich nicht irgendwie Englisch. Jedes haben alle mögliche Ideen? The Bronny Barnacle says ... your problem, once translated, seems to point out that you have a problem speaking english, which seemed quite obvious when I first looked at my screen. As Biscuitsbrown is a British exforces Banter site Im afraid there isnt a lot of advice I can give other than it might be possible that you have something similiar in the area you live. Good luck with your search. Englische Lernen |
The Bronny Barnacle asks ... Seeing as I'm the only bugger that takes the time to answer questions, and I already have a busy daily schedule, I'm getting an ulcer which is in turn giving me a problem! Where are all the other agony aunts? Bloody slackers! What's a man got to do to get some support you idle bastards? Swines that you are! The Bronny Barnacle says ... Its OK Chaps and Chapettes, I've had a word with myself and I, and between me and myself and I, we can crack on and answer the problems that arise in the daily turmoil you call life. |
patrcj draper asks ... I am trying to gather information on my late uncle, William Denis Bartlett. I believe he was in bomber command as a navigator or gunner in 1944 onwards. He was a R.A.F.a member up to his death in 2003. His last address was in Southfields SW18. I have many of his documents and books but cannot find out the above required information. The Bronny Barnacle says ... cant your local RAFA help you out here? some of the old guys that meet up in these places really like a chat and an excuse for another round of free drinks - sooner or later you should come across someone who knew a bit more about him than most. when all else fails leave a question in the forums and there may be a surprise or two from the raf types we have onboard. Good luck |
The inventor asks ... People, "Ask our agony aunts" is meant to be light hearted and not for serious questions. It is known as forces humour but you have to have been there to understand. Serious questions will be answered if possible on the forum site. I just hate to see people diaappointed! The Bronny Barnacle says ... very well said that man now fgo and have a make'n'mend before your next watch. any serious looking for personelle questions should infact be directed at the masses within the Biscuitsbrown forums. there is a section there for looking for mates/dads/drunkards that ran off with the leccy meter money/ and so forth. |
Nat asks ... I was on H>M>Submarine Odin in Australia in 1974/75.When the boat left Oz a film was made of the leaving do,saying goodbye to the wives & families at the airport & of the boat Leaving H.M.A.S.Platypus for the last time.Does anyone know what happened to the film or where i can get a copy of it. The Bronny Barnacle says ... have you checked out the museum in Gosport, there may be a copy or two gathering dust in some Buffers dhoby locker. good luck in your search |
gemma asks ... i have never met my dad and am trying to trace him,all i know is his name is david leach and he was based in weeton army barracks in 1981(i think) please help The Bronny Barnacle says ... drop a line into the forums and see what happens, some of this lot arent too old yet to remember the 80's and there's at least one who remembers the 1880's. good luck in your quest |
angie asks ... I am tracing my family history and know my grandfather served in the 11th batallion rifle brigade (prince consorts own) and have his army number but I dont know where to go for further information can you help please The Bronny Barnacle says ... this is a question I just know you will get an answer to in the forums section of the site. there has already been a few happy people got a response to a similiar question. Its free to enter the forums and it can be fun while your waiting for your answer. |
sausage asks ... I\'m trying to get my ex fiances army address and finding it impossible to get hold of, How in gods name do i get hold of it. I,m not in contact with his family and and the last entry on forces reunited was 2003. I don\'t know what to do as its really important i get hold of him. The Bronny Barnacle says ... you are a silly sausage, arent you asking the same thing twice |
sausage asks ... I\'m trying to get my ex fiances army address and finding it impossible to get hold of, How in gods name do i get hold of it. I,m not in contact with his family and and the last entry on forces reunited was 2003. I don\'t know what to do as its really important i get hold of him. The Bronny Barnacle says ... the word 'ex-fiancé' may be the answer to your problem. does he want to be found? if there is a genuine reason for concern then Im sure that his last army address would forward any correspondence on to him. |
Laura asks ... hi i am looking for my grandad he was in the RAF any ideas on how to find him The Bronny Barnacle says ... the best place for this question mate is in the forums. there are a few ex RAF types in there and they should be able to direct you in the right direction directly. it costs [u]nothing[/u] to have a look and leave your question so you have [u]nothing[/u] to lose. best of luck in your search |
stewart asks ... hi, im awol from the army, but i want to go abroad for a few days. will i get caught at the airport The Bronny Barnacle says ... not if you don your best beach towel securely around yer napper and drape yourself in your finest linen bedsheets. I would advise also wearing a pair of desert wellies or leather flip flops. nobody should bother with you then but DON'T FFS have a rucksack slung over your shoulder. |
Tilly asks ... I've just found out that polishing your shoes in the military is called Bull. What I don't know is why! Can someone tell me please? The Bronny Barnacle says ... being ex Royal Navy I can only assume it was because of the bullshít involved getting them mirrored. once at sea they get saturated in salt water and neither polish or any amount of bulling will get them how they want them shoreside. drop your question into the forums and no doubt some pongo or airy fairy will know the answer. |
Theresa Avry asks ... Dear Agony Aunts, i am tring to find my dad, i have never seen him,and i am at that stage in my life,that i would like to find him.His name was John Walter Roberts,and i believe he was based at Cirencester,Gloustershire, i do have a reference number if you need it.look forward to hearing from you,if you have any other ideas where i could get information from i would be very grateful. The Bronny Barnacle says ... I can remember an answer being given to a similiar question posted in the forums a few months back and an answer was forthcoming rapidly from the members in there. Give it a go you may be surprised! |
mac asks ... cant seem to set my email account up on forumes, dont know why is there any other way to set a account up Just Johnny T says ... Mac, the forums don't have an email account. You just simply register (it's free). Click the "register" link at the top left and then pick your username and password. Then yer in! By the way, if you are a Full Member (ie you've paid your tenner) you get access to extra forums (including the risque one) |
barjo asks ... can you tell me please if the complex trading as naafi serving scots guards in edinburgh is still active? i worked there some years back, unfortunately can't remember name of street/and basic address of this branch. Just Johnny T says ... No idea about that one Barjo... a cracking question for the forums though mate (just click the link at the top of the page). Go to the "Let Us Help You" forum and post the question in there, I'm sure someone will have the gen. |
John asks ... Hi, im trying to track dowm a very good friend of mine Nigel Bynre who is in the Band of the Royal Lancers, we lost touch when he went to Germany and i would really love to get in touch with him again. Many thanks Just Johnny T says ... John.. see the answer above this one (ie the answer I gave to Barjo). The forums are the place for these type of questions. Good luck in your search mate. |
Gillian Coombes asks ... my dad was in the navy until 1987, but threw no fault of his own he died, I was only 10 and my brother was 7, I am now interested in finding some of his old navy buddies as it would be nice to meet up with them again, How would i start the search? The Bronny Barnacle says ... one good way would be to ask the same question in the forums section of the site where there are a number of aging matelots who could guide and /or answer any questions you may have . ie. the ships he was on and this may spark a memory of some of the oppo stories that swill around still. hope you find what you are looking for, but Im sure it'll be too late for getting the 'giesits' back. |
tcohunu asks ... what about exocets and blow backs in uckers they were not mentioned in the page thati have read on this site. Just Johnny T says ... tcohunu, Uckers is a game with many rules across various sections/regiments/squadrons. A lot of these rules are particular to one section etc and not a general rule. Some rules are just made up half way through a game. I've seen grown men come to blows over a game of uckers and to list all possible rules would be impossible... Still... that's what makes uckers the greatest board game on earth... |
Jenny Penny asks ... Would some darling person tell Telemachus that Johnny T did answer my question elsewhere - I also posted question on CACK! I hope this relieves T's cranial pressure somewhat. FYI: I stumbled on this site three glasses of wine in, and so did not take time to find Most Wanted, Forums, etc. My apologies. Merry Christmas Agony Aunts - and you, too, Telemachus, whoever you are!!! Just Johnny T says ... Yep.. been answered by my good self, and as mentioned, the forums are really the place for these sort of questions. Still.. alls well that ends well and I hope Jenny gets a result. |
Telemachus asks ... Would someone please answer Jenny Penny's query - it's doing my friggin head in waiting to see what sort of answer she'll get. Just Johnny T says ... Telemachus, you have what's known in the trade as alcohol induced curiosity syndrome. Its very common among pissed people in front of fruit machines in pubs who just want to borrow another 20p to see if it'll hold.. my advice is to drink a large bottle of a fine single malt, find an old phone number for an ex, ring her up, ask her if she remembers you and see if you can get some sympathy sex. Failing that, get yourself over to the forums and join the rest of us reprobates in there.. you'll fit in perfectly mate. ;-)) |
Jenny Penny asks ... Dearest Agony Aunt: I am Canadian (so boring, I apologize, as we Canucks do by 2nd nature)... In 1984 I was torn between two lovers. Both men were sterling - the most excellent of men. They both served with Reme Mobile in Middle Wallop, Hampshire, in 1984. I met one when he was on leave in Canada, long story short, we got engaged. It seems his roomate, however, helped quite a bit with his love letters, and when I met him after coming to see my fiance -I was torn between the two - I loved them both. It was quite a story - I broke up with the first lad and got engaged to the second. I really did love them both. It was a long time ago... I am now 41...but it still haunts me. Their names were James MacAllistair and Joseph Hallam. I would like to correspond with them both with a view to nostalgia (the three of us lived together at one time and shared some life-lasting memories) , reparation and finally, closure. Your column is well read and you may have some advice for me as well as the exposure. Please help. This is a sincere, deeply felt request. Yours most sincerely, Jenny Penny Just Johnny T says ... Question has been referred to the good folk in the forums (click the "x users in the forums" link at the very top of the page) |
Ted Bishop asks ... I am a member of Service Pals but cannot get on to the site, they send me a list of new members with my name and pass word, and when i use them i get "Login Failure" _-THEY GIVE ME ALL THE NECESSARY WORDS AND STILL WILL NOT LET ME IN, AND I HAVE TRIED TO GET TO THEM, BUT CANNOT. HELP Just Johnny T says ... Stick with Biscuitsbrown.com mate... you'll be fine... |
Willy Russell asks ... Just been asked to consider a posting to canterbury with the Argyll and sutherland highlanders instead of a cushy time in civvy street. Was wondering what the unit's future holds, postings, deployments, overseas ex etc. cheers Just Johnny T says ... Willy, this is probably a question for our forums mate. Go to our forums and register (its free to register) and post your question in the British Army category. There'll be loads of people with good advice in there mate. Good luck.. |
Mr Mags asks ... It has got to the stage where every day that I get in from work, the mem-sahib does all she can to get on my tits. The result of this is that I am perpetually grumpy and a shouting match usually ensues. In addition to this, I have recently discovered the reason for my lack of sleep. The bloody woman has been secreting a tape recorder under my pillow in attempt to brain-wash me into buying her a new car! She is obviously mad as a snake, but what should I do? The Bronny Barnacle says ... you could tape over the speaches she has prepared with \'The Very Best of Des O Connor\'. you can find it here http://music.kelkoo.co.uk/b/a/cpc_150701_ps_9557462_gs_15811185.html........................................ this will ensure a peacefull sleep and probably result in oversleeping , which will be the bonus you have been looking for. |
joanne asks ... hey i have a problem related to confidence, i find it really hard looking people in the eye and keeping contact. This is especially the case for teachers at my school i cant look them in the eye and go red when i speak to them, sometimes i even shake and i dont know why because i have been a pupil of theirs for over a year and like them as my teachers i want to know how i can get over this and why i am like this to start with! Just Johnny T says ... Joanne, you could try the old trick of imagining them naked. Or even going to some sort of confidence building discipline like a martial art of some sort or yoga to help you relax? Good luck.. |
billy asks ... I was kicked out the Army because i had depression! My wife had left me and i was having a realy tough time. I ended up awol and then put in colcherter, do you think i was treated fairly????? Just Johnny T says ... Unfortunately thems the rules Billy mate.... Chin up lad... |
Karen asks ... Hi Two yrs ago i broke up with my ex and he was in army i miss him so much and i want him back, i want to see if he's ok i really love and care bout him so much and it hurts every single day cos i long to be in his arms please help me as i don't know how to find him Just Johnny T says ... Get yourself on the forum Karen and ask in there.. there'll be loads of folk with great advice on tracking yer bloke down.. |
medical mayhem asks ... my hamster and I have decided we need a holiday in the sun, somewhere in the med would be nice. the problem is that I am not a member of any workforce so getting the money to cover the costs of a 5 star hotel for me and little Cheezybawz. my question is if I ask for a tax rebate would you all agree to pay more taxes for me and my hamster to have our holiday of a lifetime? thanx .... all donations greatly recieved. Just Johnny T says ... No problem... I'm sure you'll be eligible for a grant from the RSPCA for Cheezybawz and, as for you, I'd love to pay more taxes except that at the moment.. after tax, I don't actually have anything left to pay more with... |
John Chirac asks ... Bon jour roastbiffs! After le 'orrible mistake avec le olympic choice of vous country as host, je suis am depressed as merde. Do les 'aunts de la agony' 'ave any advice to cheer moi up a tad sil vous plait? The Bronny Barnacle says ... Hullo John... one way of cheering yourself up a tad is to accept the bul by the horns and come on over to le london now that there is going to loads of new developments being built we will need all the foriegn workforce we can get. at the end you can wallow in the fact that although it is in GreatBritain (for that read London)you will still have contributed on behalf of your country to the olympics. failing that get pissed, forget about it and move on |
No foreskin asks ... I have a problem. I have two brothers. One brother is a boatswain in the Navy, the other was put to death in the electric chair for a gruesome multiple murder. My mother died from insanity caused by syphilis when I was three years old. My sisters are prostitutes, and my father sells narcotics to high school students. Recently I met a girl who was just released from prison. She was sentenced for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I want to marry her. My problem is - if I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother who is a Boatswain Mate.? Sign Dilemma Just Johnny T says ... Very interesting life you lead... just remember, some of us have it tough. As for telling your brother then why not? The worst that could happen is that you find him bangin her in a cupboard on the day of your wedding and, lets face it, after all you've been through that would be like water off a ducks back... |
karren asks ... how can i stop contstantly spitting while i am pregant Just Johnny T says ... You could tape your mouth up? |
Anonymouse asks ... Erm…….. This is quite embarrassing really. It’s odd, but since my last birthday, I’m now 47, I seem to be forgetting things. I go into rooms and forget why I went in there and what I was looking for. Things like people’s names, my address and phone number, are a mystery to me, and yesterday while out shopping for a new cardigan, I spent 20 minutes trying to get into the wrong car! The constable was very nice about it though. Have you noticed that the police are recruiting them very young these days? My memory is so bad now, that every time I have a nightcap, I forget that I have already had at least 4 already, and occasionally discover that I can see off a whole bottle of single malt before I get into my pyjamas! However, I don’t seem to have any trouble sleeping. What the hell is happening to me? Just Johnny T says ... Unfortunately its called insanity. My advice would be to pop on yer pyjama's and head to the nearest police station. Explain to them what you have just told us and ask to be put in one of the nice "padded cells". If they still believe you to be sane, explain to them how you frequent biscuitsbrown.com and that should swing it in your favour. See you in there! |
starfish asks ... This woman obviously hasn't a clue about sex. She thinks you have to put it into a lady's FRONT bottom! How can I educate her without relying on the Navy's more physical traditional ways of the golden rivet or the barrel? Just Johnny T says ... You could first try lots of alcohol. Then there's the old "Whoops it slipped" line... Either way, make sure you take pics and get them posted in the forums... Good luck.. |
starfish asks ... I did as advised and gradually introduced the topic by showing her a photo I found, it was from a German website and graphically depicts the joys of donkey love. I left this casually on the coffee table next to a bucket of KY and Eeyore's favorite block of wood that she bites on during moments of passion(I only do female donkeys by the way, I'm not sick!). Still the woman doesn't get it. She accused me of being a crabfat! Is she a lezza? Just Johnny T says ... Starfish, after reading that post I would say that almost definitely she is a lezza. She's trampling all over your feelings mate and it just aint right. Not like Eeyore. Eeyore understands you. I think you should f*ck her off mate and move in to a nice country cottage, just you and yer donkey. I wish you two all the best for the future. |
STARFISH asks ... To Jonny T: FYI: RFA is Royal Fleet Auxiliary, part of the merchant navy. They do all the troop ships that take all the nastys on their holidays to Norway and take the army's tanks and guns to wherever it is that they go to live in mud Just Johnny T says ... Starfish... cheers for the info mate.. ex blue job myself, no f*ck all about watery affairs.. Bronny Barnacle would have known that one.. Now, get back to ya donkey ;-)) |
starfish asks ... I got into the habit of donkey love in the Navy as a hobby and still love it. There's something about those trusting eyes, that passive nature and their tinkling laughter that I can't resist. My problem is that I have a new girlfriend who is into animal rights and I am expecting some resistance from her over this issue. I can't hide it for long because she keeps asking why my bedroom floor is tiled and my bed is made of straw. What is the best way to do a pre-emptive strike on this? Just Johnny T says ... starfish, this is a tricky one mate. Firstly let me just say, there is NOTHING wrong with donkey love. You are not dirty or different. (I'm telling you because this will probably be the first thing she throws at you). Perhaps if you could introduce her to your donkey she might begin to understand and, over time, come to love the donkey as much as you do. I'm assuming here that you would be prepared to engage in a menage-a-trois with you, your girlfriend and your donkey. Maybe start leaving some photo's of you and the donkey lying about. Or make some subtle hints, for instance, get your girlfriend to wear a pair of false ears and a tail when you make love. Perhaps ask her to mimic the sound of a donkey and practise feeding her sugar cubes. She will be over the moon at your honesty, after all, you are embracing nature! |
Hugh Jarse asks ... What ho! One has recently become engaged to a right corker. Trouble is everyone else thinks she is a bit of a corgi, sorry, a dog. One has to be mindful of public opinion in my job, and I was wondering if one would advise one as to how I can make Cami .., er, my intended acceptable to the good old British public? Just Johnny T says ... Hugh, tricky one that.. perhaps entering her into "I'm a canine get me out of here" would do the trick? It worked for Jordan. Alternatively, making her president of the RSPCA might be appropriate and help to drum up some public sympathy. After all, the British public love dogs and hate cruelty to animals, you're doing a public service sir! With a bit of grooming and some TLC you could have a Crufts Champion on your hands there... Good luck with it all. By the way, I'm long over due a knighthood, have a word would ya? |
Jayne asks ... I have had sex with my boyfriend for 4 months now. A month ago I had pimple bumps on my butt, then 2-3 weeks ago a rash between my legs...very itchy. He says he has nothing on his body. His rotweiller sleeps with him and I'm wondering if I caught mites/scabies from his dog or sheets...or has he been unfaithful to me and I caught it from another partner? Just Johnny T says ... Scabies?!?! More like Rabies!! Any man who sleeps with a slobbering panting lump is either married or wants his head examining... Dump him and have a bit of experimental sex with one of your female friends, the world needs more lesbians! (but get the rash seen to first eh?) Good luck |
carla asks ... I love having sex with my boyfriend but the only thing is it really hurts. I have been to my gp about this and he examamed me. But he couldn't find anything the wrong. Could you give me any advice on what to do? Just Johnny T says ... You could try taking the nodder out of the packet?? Apart from that I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to suggest? What about a bit of KY or, even better, "I can't believe its not butter", to make things go a little smoother? |
slacky bubble asks ... Hoi! whyfore you kick my donkey an call him fuckkoff, when yew know his name is dobbin?? The Bronny Barnacle says ... as you are the daft eejit with the stutter I wont waste time repeating my answer.... ....Now get that donkey off my back. |
slacky bubble asks ... Hoi! whyfore you kick my donkey an call him fuckkoff, when yew know his name is dobbin?? The Bronny Barnacle says ... you know slacky me old china, it could well be the next name he gets will be DogFood..... The reason he was kicked in the first place is entirely your own fault .... you really should teach him that not everyone who goes past or stops to talk to him is infact like your strange self.... we don't all take donkey dick up the arse. |
Wanda asks ... Hello Barnacle, Thank you for your advice. I did try some local building sites but most of the underwear I managed to get was curry infested and I am not keen on curry. I dont want to sound racist, but one has standards to maintain, if you know what I mean. Also I am not on DLA and I am not keen on looking like a chav. I work as a receptionist at a large and well known firm of accountants. So if you could set up a slightly less public method of communication I would love to receive some soiled undies from you. Thanks Wanda The Bronny Barnacle says ... Ahhhhh Wanda ......You work as a receptionist at a large and well known firm of accountants..... mmmmmm ...... that explains your infatuation with shít then considering the amount you must have to listen to in your normal working day. theres nothing to hide in here at yer good ol' Biscuitsbrown so a less public place is really unnecessary anything to say can be said in here in the the knowledge that you are among an even bigger crowd of hobbiests whos pasttimes quite often reach depths that make scuba diving on the wreck of the Titanic seem a doddle. Undies are being soiled as I type 3 mean scittery farts have been blown add to this the expectations from two haggis suppers and a pickled onion and I think you may well be very delighted with the end result. |
Catherine asks ... What is the Role of the Leading Seaman in the ROyal Navy? The Bronny Barnacle says ... hullo Catherine sorry to have taken so long to get back at you with an answer but the barnacles and the salt in the sea air is playing havoc with the old artrhurs'itis. Leading Seamen are referred to as Junior Non-Commissioned Officers. Leading Seamen are the first line of supervisors in the chain of command and as such have an important role in the maintenance of good order and discipline among their subordinates. They are expected to provide an important role model for lower rates. I think subordinates is so unkind don't you. anyway shiver me timbers and pull away me bollard I hope this is an answer you were looking for Cathy. |
I. Needahump asks ... For almost 20 years I have been on medication and its got to the stage where Matron looks delicious enough to eat. I lie at night on the ward in my bed and all I can think about is her and her dainty size 10 feet shuffling her humungous arse down the corridor in a wiggly-welcoming kind of way towards me and my waiting 'tent-pole' (wink wink). It is all getting too much for me, should I mention to her about the effects she has on me and do you think she would bedbath me with 'extras' if I asked? Just Johnny T says ... You can get yer theiving gypsy eyes off my matron. I am in the ward next to you and we regularly enjoy bed baths, sometimes involving several nurses. Matron loves a bit of rough and tumble around the bed pans. So, my advice is stick to yer own ward and get yer own Matron.. she's mine! |
Deaf but with the eys of a haw asks ... Recently about 18months ago I lost my hearing aids, since then and because of that, I have become a bit of a master at lipreading. the problem I have now is that no one in the vicinity has any secrets anymore. I know what they are all saying and I know some intimate things about a few of the girls at work. A few of them have spoken to each other about what their man won't do and what they won't allow them to do in the bedroom. The real dilema is, should I step in and offer to 'help' these frustrated girls by offering my services as their intentions and desires sound promising to me and if so how do I get around the fact that I know they are sexually frustrated because I 'heard' them discussing it to each other? Just Johnny T says ... Deaf, you truly are in a priviledged position. I feel that you have to act both honourably and responsibly. You have a great gift, and you need to use it wisely. You are approaching the problem all wrong. Go and see one of the work girls and tell her that you'll tell her everything that people have been saying about her if she performs whatever sick fantasy you have in mind. Then repeat the step above with every woman of any standard in the office. Then sit back and lip read all the compliments on your performance you get. You can then start posting on our forums and giving us all regular updates about your progress... |
Wanda asks ... Hello, this is very embarrassing but I hope you can help me. I have a fetish about mens underwear. I mean underpants that have been worn by men doing real activity so they are sweaty and have stains. I love to hold them and imagine the heat, the hairy hardness...... sorry I was overcome there for a minute. Anyway, my problem is that I need a regular supply of underpants. Can you help please? The Bronny Barnacle says ... I'm sure that you would find an amazing amount of 'helpful' volunteers if you were to vist anyone of the building sites in your area albeit they may be of non UK blood but they should have a very interesting aroma and quite possibly a scent and stains that you are unaccustomed to.... may I suggest that as a 'Quick Fix' kinda idea you could invest in a wig or a chav hat, wear a pair of you fav shítcatchers over your napper and cover it with the said hat or wig and when the urge takes you , say maybe, sitting on the bus or waiting in the post office queue for your DLA, it would then be possible to pull the grundies over your nappper take a few life saving sniffters and tidily put them away again in the blink of an eye. Drop me a line and for £25 per pair, I can offer a regular channell of used, well soiled and skidmarked to Biscuitsbrown Standards (showing the BBS kite trademark ). |
Confused of Windsor asks ... One has a bit of a problem that you chaps may be able to assist one with. One recently went to a fancy dress party, and the bloody tabloid press took a snap of one dressed as a Nazi. William, sorry, ‘a friend’ advised me that this was an excellent wheeze to dress in such a way for the party as I didn’t have a clue what a Nazi was, and I am experimenting with uniforms as I want a career in the Army. Anyway, one is now in the excrement with everybody and his dog, as it seems that these Nazi people were right stinkers to lots of people in something called ‘WWII’, whenever, and whatever, that was. Any advice on how one is to get back to being the darling of the country? Just Johnny T says ... A very complex problem you have there your royal wotsit... hmmm... perhaps if you organised some sort of fancy dress celebrity event, maybe on the theme of historical tyrants such as Hitler, Saddam Hussein, Chris Tarrant etc then the resulting uproar as personalities such as Cherie Blair turn up as Attila the Hun, may take away some of the media glare from your own activities. Or, you could simply point out to the bottom feeding press that, until the swastika was hijacked by Nazi Germany, it was a symbol for good and represented life, the sun, power, strength and good luck for hundreds of years, even pre-dating the Egyptian Ankh. You could end by telling 'em that if they ever negatively report about you again, they'll get a bit of what Diana got..! That should sort it.... Any more problems, you know where we are... |
andy rey asks ... i have a small problem i hope you can advise me on. last xmas day i did the washing up for the wife even drying the dishes and putting them away for her. my problem is this, i think she is expecting me to do the same again this year. do i just tell her no and end it there or do the dishes again this year. if i do do it will she expect it every year. i was going to offer to do the hoovering for her after she finished painting the front of the house but i am not so sure now. thank you in advance. andy. Just Johnny T says ... Andy I can't apologise enough for not answering this question sooner mate. Its been xmas and all that and I've just now got out the cells. That said, the answer to your question is that you've already done more than enough. If she doesn't like it, tell to shove the f**kin turkey up her fat, cellulite infested arse. I used to work in marriage guidance y'know... |
Carla asks ... I am trying to locate someone in the R.N..I am unsure what ship he is on and would like to write to him (i know what ship he was on 5 years ago, all I know now is he is on a mine sweeper!) but is there an address i can send the letter to that will get sent on to him?? thanks for your help.. Just Johnny T says ... Carla, you could try asking in the Can You Help section of our forums. I'm sure someone there will be able to point you in the right direction. Our forums can be reached from the link at the top of the page or by using this address: http://www.biscuitsbrown.com/cgi-bin/forum311/ikonboard.cgi |
andy rey asks ... i was watching a program on the telly about people who cant stop fucking swearing, they were swearing non fucking stop, my wife was quite interested in this fucking program cos she thinks i might have the same fucking problem, she thinks i should see some fucking doctor or perish the fucking thought a fucking head doctor. i on the other hand thought these people were normal and saw fuck all wrong in what they were fucking saying, do you think i should see the fucking doc or what. Just Johnny T says ... Andy, tell her to fuck right off mate. You stick to your fucking guns. I she truly fuckin loves you she'll understand. Anymore fuckin problems mate just give me a fuckin shout. |
Mr or Miss L. E. Fant asks ... Eye red wiv interist abowt the RAF havng a speshul bit four disleksicks. Eye doo knot lik hites, butt wood lik to were a eweniform an look ded kewel two. Iz their a bit ov the Army that duz the same? Just Johnny T says ... Yes the RAF does have a special dyslexic wing. The Army has a similar role called "Press Officer". Get yourself along to the ICO and ask about it... good luck! |
vicky xx asks ... my very close friend has just joined the r.f.a we have never been apart in 2 years ... and im finding it so hard to cope with him being gone xxx Just Johnny T says ... Vicky, not sure what the r.f.a is. I'm assuming its the dyslexics airforce? ;-)) Anyways, plenty of letters, phonecalls etc and you'll be grand. Good luck. This is more of a joke type agony page so sorry I can't be more helpful. All the best. |
WILLIAM HYNDMAN asks ... I AM TRYING TO TRACE COMRADES FROM 95 COMMANDO LIGHT REGIMENT ROYAL ARTILLARY WHO WERE POSTED TO SINGAPORE IN 1968(ISH) WHO WERE ATTACHED TO H.Q. COMMANDO BATTERY, WHICH ADDRESS WOULD BE BEST FOR ME TO LOOK IN?? THANK YOU Just Johnny T says ... Just go to the "Find your mates" bit of the website Bill and have a look in there. If not, go to the Biscuitsbrown Forums and ask in there. There are also loads of other websites that help you find your old comrades. ServicePals.com is another good one, you could try there. All the best and good luck! UPDATE: Bondoo Billy suggests this site: http://www.wohnungs-suche.com/raa/ |
Mel asks ... Long shot but met a Royal Marine on Thursday night. Nicknamed mini vin Diesel real name Jamie who's 24 from Devon but currently serving in Gibralter. Turns out his mum is from Hornchurch round the corner from me. Would love to get in touch as he is due leave shortly but haven't got a clue where to start. Any ideas? Just Johnny T says ... It is a long shot... however, I would suggest trawling the marines websites, I've checked our database and there isn't any Jamies... good luck with your search. You could always stick a little note in your local shop in the hope that his Mum see's it?? |
rob bramley asks ... why is it the armed forces do not prepare u properly for life in civvy street evn after 10 years after leaving the raf i still can not settle and find civvy jobs boring and ill disciplined and no respect i find that jobs that have ex forces as managers are worse as civilians do not or will not understand how they work Just Johnny T says ... Rob, your sentiments are, unfortunately, very true in a lot of instances. There's not a great deal you can do except grin and bear it. There's always the option of signing back up I suppose. If you want to meet some decent folk then go to our forums here: http://www.biscuitsbrown.com/cgi-bin/forum311/ikonboard.cgi If that doesn't restore your faith in human kind.. nothing will ;-)) Chin up mate. |
sue asks ... please can you tell me how the woman of a lovely man will not miss her man when he goes away. Just Johnny T says ... Rampant Rabbit is the answer on most of our female visitors lips... so to speak. Plenty of phone calls, letters, emails and a rampant rabbit... Its never easy, but just think, he'll be back soon... |
flyview asks ... I was recentely attacked by a family of freaks called parasitic twins they had a small little man in there necks conjoined to them, this was caused by the social services office in ogden utah trying to convictet them of murder This murder i noted for a long time here as they drove around in there truck at stores they would pick up people by stabbing take them home rob them & eat them well the social services office hit & beat me up for there name but when the police got the name they picked him up put him in a line up but when they called to pick him out I had 20 minutes to come there to it & I never knew where to go besides his family came to my house during that hour & prevented it , I was told it was they only time to stop them as this is the only time they put a warrent out for him then he came for me for money I saw him eat some cat shit then he wanted money when I refused he stuck a knife in my eye & made me eat cyst fluid of his body, now I went to a docter as I'm sick now they say I have gall blader trouble I looked up this problam but its supposed to-be a big pain in the liver I have some discomfert there mostly I'm spitted up I found in the encyclopedia that spit in the gall blader makes enzimes to break food down & now my spit smells like worms but the docter never saw any problem on the slides of the films they took, stones arnt present just my spit is causing this! this stuff this person had is called teratomas, dermoids, epidermoids ephemera, epidermoid & dermoid inclusion cysts do you think theres any way to get these bugs out of my noise eyes mouth throat' ps ty jon griner chief of police for this experence spitteing up every minute of the day is a real sick thing to have done to me. Just Johnny T says ... Flyview... I'm not entirely convinced that we're qualified to be answering that question mate. It certainly sounds like you've got yourself in a bit of a pickle... erm... you say your spit smells of worms? I'm not sure the medical world has a name for that but I would advise a trip to the hospital anyway. Good luck... |
Tony Ransom asks ... Are you the Alan Clay exRAF Wittering Ask Alan says ... You ain't seen me right? No not a blue job, Royal Signals. Byeeee |
Iris asks ... I am in turmoil. I just cant get enough sex, I want morning noon and night, I am weak with desire, man, woman, Im not that fussed. Is this normal, I am 46 Auntie Caz cares says ... This could of course have something to do with your biological clock or the feeling that perhaps you have been missing out on sex, on the other hand perhaps you have too much time on your hands? Maybe you should seek gainful employment. However, don't worry too much, you are in good company, certain members on this site seem to have a similar problem........the time to start worrying is when you start fancying animals, goats, sheep and the like. Meanwhile, get yer gladrags on, stock up on condoms and go hit the nightclubs! |
in the shit asks ... re: my last question. I went to the bingo to tell the cow and she wasn't there.Her ex-mates told me she doesnt go to bingo on a wednesday hasnt for years and then said she was round my mates, and it turns out that it was her who told him I'm a fat bastard! should I adopt the 'american position of war' and shoot now ask questions later? The confusion arises because they call this the 'friendly fire excuse'.....but I dont feel right friendly at the moment.help what am I to do? Just Johnny T says ... Hmmm... tricky one this. On the one hand, adopting the American position of war seems like a good idea. It would certainly allow you to use Shock and Awe tactics on yer missus, but on the other hand, you risk being alienated by all the arab speaking world... It might be worth putting the word about that Bin Lid-on has had a sex change and your missus and America's Most Wanted are in fact one and the same. Hopefully this way the yanks will do the job for you. Knowing their subtlety for this kind of operation though, I would ensure that I wasn't in the house at the time... or even in the same street .... why surrepticiously snipe a target when you can just drop a 5000lb bomb somewhere in their vicinity? Good luck... |
Obergefreiter Gunther Schmitt asks ... Guten Tag britische Schweinehunde! Ich bin ein pensionierter deutscher Soldatleben beim Woking, und ich werbe an, eine Armee zu bilden, Ihr Land zu übernehmen. Aber Leute werden meinen heiligen Kreuzzug nicht anschließen, wieder Nationalen Sozialismus einzuführen. Was mache ich falsch? Just Johnny T says ... That's easy for you to say ! The answer to your question is No.. now.. what was the question again ? |
samantha asks ... i think my boyfriend has cheated on me again! Help Just Johnny T says ... File him under B1N and get yourself one of those rampant rabbit things that women are always banging on about... (and they say that I'm not in touch with my feminine side !! ) |
Secret asks ... Is there anybody out there that can help me with my spelling? Just Johnny T says ... ON ! |
InThe Shít.. asks ... My mate said I'm a fat bastárd and I replied that his wife has a fánny like the channel Tunnel.. now my missus wants to know how I know that....whats my next line? Just Johnny T says ... Depends whether you like yer missus or not... if you like your missus then tell her that anyone's fanny is like the channel tunnel compared to her perfect genitalia (you can chuck in that hers resembles a bats ear and tastes like the very elixir of life). On the other hand, if you don't like her, you can tell her that the reason you are conversant with the dimensions of your mate's wife's melted welly top is because you've had your old general up it every Wednesday night for the last six years, while your missus has been at the bingo. Your call mate. Good luck ! |
S. Back asks ... Dear BB AAs, I've been engaged to a girl for three years now and have just found out she's got a wooden leg. Should I break it off ? Just Johnny T says ... After three years without a splinter, I'd say you were made for each other. Just make sure you get to the docs regularly to check for woodworm ! |
jo roberts asks ... i am searching for a Linda Anderson who was a wrac driver L/Cpl in 1968 and know one except me seems to remember her, any ideas thanks jo Just Johnny T says ... Jo, you can try searching our database, or you could try putting a request in the Can You Help forum. Our forums are located here: http://www.biscuitsbrown.com/cgi-bin/forum311/ikonboard.cgi Place an advert in our Most Wanted section. All this is completely free, good luck. |
sexi lexi asks ... good to hear you again just johnny t. yeah i could cause a riot or 3. Will see what i can do. Watch this space.. Auntie Caz cares says ... zzzzzzzzzzzzz......what happened to the riot or three? Come on Just Johnny, medication time. (there is a case of Skol under your bed for later) |
sexi lexi asks ... hey there, is everything ok? some of these questions aren't getting answered!!!and I NEED AN ANSWER!!! Just Johnny T says ... Sorry Lexi, I've just come back from having my penis enlarged and combatting my alcoholism and drugs habits... plus I've had my breast implants removed cos it was costing me too much in bra's. You're not the only one with problems y'know... I've answered your other question now. |
Sexi lexi asks ... This is for Just Johnnie T. Hiya. Wotcha doin tonight? If you have other plans, when are you free? I would love to socialise with you! Get to know you a little bit better. Waddya say?? Just Johnny T says ... Hi Sexi Lexi, tonight I'm a bit busy watching the television with the other inmates. Thursday is Monopoly night and Sundays I'm bathed. You ask when I'm free? Well I put your question to the Matron and she said that it would depend on when I can act responsibily enough to be let out. If you would like to socialise with me, then see if you can incite a riot among some zoo animals or maybe get caught naked in a supermarket inserting baked goods into various orifices, then ask the judge for "Broadmoor". I shall look forward to seeing you... |
Gil asks ... Do you ever have any consideration towards people that have written in with serious questions, and still haven't had them answered yet?? It's just not good enough!!! What are you doing with yourself?? (Or, should that question be filed under sexual)???? Just Johnny T says ... Due to government cut backs, the increased trade in cheap booze from the continent, and the fact that being sober is just a hazy memory, our heroic band of Agony Aunts aren't getting around to answering as many of these questions as they used to. For this we can only apologise. If you do have any serious problems then by all means contact either Relate, the Samaritans or 118 118 and I'm sure they'll help. In the meantime, any non-serious problems, please continue to post here. Just Johnny T (Giving out crap advice since 1852) |
Anonymous asks ... Spit, swallow or gargle? My boyfriend says garglers are show offs but I prefer to spit. If I spit, where should I spit it? If I swallow should I have it with a chaser? Auntie Caz cares says ... No wonder you post your question under the name Anonymous.......well if you gargle you are still left with the spit v swallow scenario......swallowing is an intake of extra protein, a glass of something nice tasting should counteract any bitter taste, similarly if you are going to spit, an empty glass would be a useful recepticule for this purpose. Spitting is so common and unladylike! |
sexy lexi asks ... i love giving me boyfrien oral but im sick of getting hairs in my mouth! how do i stop this from spoiling my pleasure? this happens about 3 or 4 times a day! Just Johnny T says ... You could try shaving him ?? Or just sellotaping all the hairs down ? But, at the end of the day, who cares about your pleasure... ;-)) |
pal asks ... my wife has got scabies how did she catch it ? how do we get rid of it Just Johnny T says ... She probably caught it from yer best mate, and in answer to your second question, Dettol and a scrubbing brush. Hope this helps. |
jodalo asks ... I have a nephew serving in the RAF in Iraq and want to send him a parcel of goodies for Xmas , what suggestions do you have for stocking fillers Just Johnny T says ... This is really a question for the forums. Go to the Biscuitsbrown Forums and put it in the Can You Help category. You'll get loads of useful suggestions. All the best. |
Maggie Salt asks ... I am trying to find my brother with whom i lost contact with about 5 years ago. I know he is still in the force but dont know where or how to contact him. his name Is Sargent.Andrew McCormick a.k.a "Mac". I am desperate to find him and his family as my daughter is getting married next year. Please can you give me any advice on how to find him? Just Johnny T says ... This is really a question for the forums. Go to the Biscuitsbrown Forums and put it in the Can You Help category. You'll get loads of useful suggestions. All the best. |
mal asks ... after 11yrs and at the rank of corporal in the fusiliers i have just had a medical discharge forced on me,i carried another mans bergan on mine while at brecon and recived a back inj that ive had for 3 yrs.ive got a fiance and son and am worried, they do not know yet as at the moment im pretty ashamed!!! will they chuck me out with next to nothing financially????.any advice would be a help.am worried and fraught yet the fuckin r.a.o. was no help and im no further forward Just Johnny T says ... Mal, get yourself in the forums mate and post this question, there's folk who frequent there who can and will help you. This Agony Aunt page is just a tongue-in-cheek piss take mate and not really meant for serious questions. Cheers. |
shaz asks ... i have been trying to trace my mums ex boyfriend who she says was in raf sarum as aflight searge sha also had a daughter by him and they adopted her out i am trying to trace mr john robert barnes-jones and his daughter susan beverly barnes-jones i have found out where the adoption records are being held but i promised my mum id find thesae people for her can you help please Just Johnny T says ... This is really a question for the forums. Go to the Biscuitsbrown Forums and put it in the Can You Help category. You'll get loads of useful suggestions. All the best. |
Lenny Lemming asks ... I have a drink problem. The problem is that I can't afford to drink as much as I would like to, and I am beginning to find constant sobriety deeply depressing. I have tried winning the Lottery, but to no avail as yet. What would you advise? Just Johnny T says ... Constant sobriety is deeply depressing, in fact, any sobriety is deeply depressing. Your problem is one I have found myself in many times and I'm glad that I am going to be able to help you out. The good news is that there are several cheap alternatives to booze. Melted boot polish is extremely effective, as is washing-up liquid mixed with HP sauce. You can also find a similar effect to alcohol intake by standing on your head for an hour before plunging straight into a bath of freezing water. The sudden onset of shock and not knowing where you are, coupled with the rush of blood to the head is very realistic. So.. as you can see, the problem is not that you don't have enough money, the problem is that you don't have enough imagination. However, there is some bad news... the bad news is that attempting any of this will result, almost immediately, in death. |
moe asks ... i have a question , it may sound stupid. my question is how many holes are there in womens vagina??? i have friends that are saying 3 and some are saying 2 ? thank you for your help Just Johnny T says ... Ahh.. an age old question this.. the short answer is that it varies. There are normally five, but there have been reported cases of as many as eighteen holes in the one vagina. The best way is to ask the lady in question. I have always found that approaching a lady and asking how many holes they have in their vagina is not only a good way to break the ice, it also sounds brilliant on the charge sheet at the inevitable court appearance. |
ainy night asks ... I,m a little worried, when my boy-friend kisses me and we get into a clinch, I feel something hard in his pocket, could this be a 'Cosh' and is he a criminal? I.m worried. Ask Alan says ... Difficult one this. In the first place, is he a scouser? If he is, it could be just a fat wallet or he might be a criminal with a cosh but this is unlikely as they are known for their honesty. In the second place, are you a scouser? If not, what are you doing with your hand in his pocket? |
A wee mousie asks ... Like it or not, I am fast approaching my 46th birthday, and it's about time I gave some thought to what I should pursue as a career. Any ideas what is suitable for a young 'rodent about town' such as myself? Ask Alan says ... In my expert opinion, you should really go for a career in one of our fast food outlets. Some people seem to think it is a rather poor choice, but in your case just think of the left over grub you will find in the bins. A rodent's dream job in anyone's language. BTW aren't you a bit old for a mouse? |
Horror-struck chap asks ... I seem to recall reading somewhere that we chap types never change toilet rolls. Well, I’ve managed to give myself quite a start this morning while struggling with a horrible hangover. Quite without thinking, I found myself removing the old bog roll and replacing it with a new one! I just couldn’t stop myself. Does this mean that I am a repressed nancy boy arse bandit? Ask Alan says ... Very likely yes. Next question. |