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| From Harry Stead ... |
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I went on holiday a couple of weeks ago, the plane was so old I had to sit next to the Rear Tail Gunner ! Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson and asks him "what do you do?" he says "I do Top Gear" she says "great I'll have 4 gramms" ! |
| From Eric Le-Normand ... |
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This young feller walked into a shop, where the day before he had bought a pair of trousers;
A pretty young girl came along, smiled and asked if she could help;
"Well it's these trousers I bought yesterday, could I change them+"
"I think that will be alright, but what seems to be wrong with them?"
He looked at her! "Well you know the Ballroom at the end of the pier--"
"Ah! Oh there's no Ballroom at the pier."
"No and that's the trouble with these trousers."
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| From Emma Greenwood ... |
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What is brown hair dye to a blond?Artificial intelligence
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| From Eric Le-Normand ... |
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The judge kindly but stern, and Irish to boot, looked at the three in front of him, the three accused of being drunk and causing a nuisance. "Well lads I,m ashamed of you, I really must say that you three are a fine pair if ever there was one!"
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| From Eric Le-Normand ... |
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A blonde walked into a shop that sold and made curtains. "Yes madam, how can I help you" eager sales assistant. I have a 17" screen with my PC. I would like some curtains for the screen. Eager salesman, for a moment tongue tied. "But madam PC's don't have Curtains" Blonde. "And why not, I've got windows haven't I.?"
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| From Eric Le-Normand ... |
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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full andbushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks softly stroking his face. "Actually no." he replies. "Can you get him for me- I need to speak to him.?" she asks running her hands through his hair. "I'm afraid I can't." breathes the barman-clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies room."
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| From Andrew Hart ... |
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President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy. "No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
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| From Murf in the Middle East ... |
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Three couples went in to see the Vicar to see how to become members of his church. The Vicar said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the Vicar. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint."Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the Vicar."Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."The Vicar just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church."That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in B & Q either."
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| From Alun Clarke ... |
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A Squaddie was deployed to Bosnia. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend, in which she explained that she had slept with two guys since he had left, she wanted to break up with him, AND she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him. So the squaddie did what any sensible man would do. He went around to his mates and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."
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| From Dave Hanson ... |
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Q -- WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WITH AN ABOVE AVERAGE I.Q.?A -- A GOLDEN RETRIEVER
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