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| From Steve L ... |
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How many screws does it take to make a lesbian's bed? None, it's all tongue and groove. |
| From Emma Greenwood ... |
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This should end all three bears stories:Baby bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty."Who's been eating all my porridge??!!!" he squeaks.Papa bear arrives at the big table and sits down at the big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. " Who's been eating all my porridge?!!" he roars.Momma bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "for shit sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was momma bear who got up first, it was momma bear who woke everyone in the house, it was momma bear who made the coffee, it was momma bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away. It was momma bear who set the damn table, it was momma bear who put the friggen cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace momma bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good cos I'm only going to say this one more time..."I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!"
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| From Jim Stear ... |
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She married and had 13 children.Her husband died.She married again and had 7 more children.Again, her husband died.But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.Alas, she finally died.Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said,"Lord, they're finally together."One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
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| From Eric Le-Normand ... |
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An American visiting England saw a farmer riding a horse in a lonely part of the country. With the farmer was two dogs, and a few sheep. The American looked at the farmer and exclaimed what fine animals he had;"Do you mind if I talk to your horse?""Talk - talk to my horse, well I never he can't understand, anyway please yourself" The American goes up to the horse and asks "Does your master treat you alright, good food, clean stable, what do you think?" "Oh just great" The horse replies. "Couldn't wish for better." The farmer dumbfounded, yet pleased just uttered." Well I never." The American talks to the dogs and get about the same reply, they were more than satisfied a good man and always looked after his animals The American turned to the sheep and began to ask one of them the same questions---but the farmer butted in. "Don't listen to the sheep they're all a bunch of liars----"
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| From Eric Le-Normand ... |
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A young lady is so in love with her boy friend that she asked him home for dinner, that being one of those old traditions that have gone . He is introduced to the family and they all sit down to dinner, when without warning he felt that pain in his gut which meant he wanted to relieve himself of unwanted air, or to put it more bluntly he wanted to fart. He decided to let it slip out sort of slowly, which he did, the father, without further ado looked under the table where the family dog always lay at meal times, the father quietly but firmly said "Rover" Oh thought the boyfriend, the old dog is getting the blame, so let go another willy-nilly. Once again the father bellows, "Rover!" A few minutes pass by when quite unexpectantly the boyfriend lets go a rip snorter of a fart. The father stands up and once more shouts, "Rover, get the hell out of there before he shits all over you."
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| From Eric Le-Normand ... |
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In a French school one day, the teacher explained to the class that today they would try and make a sentence in English, using the word probably to be included in the sentence. He asked the first boy to stand up and say what he thought was good English; 1st boy; " I should think this is probably a good idea teacher." Teacher(smiling) very good. 2nd boy; " Last evening my father was in the umm Jardin--- Teacher, no no English please. 2nd boy "Last evening my father was in the ---garden, cleaning out the ....weeds, I thought probably I could help him." Teacher; very good, class we must concentrate, next boy please. 3rd boy: " last evening I was in my room, and my sister was in the drawing room having piano lessons from her --- ah Tutor, my sister is 18 years old. I went from my room to the kitchen to get a drink, in passing the drawing room I peeped through the keyhole. I saw my sister stand up and face her Tutor, she put her arms around his neck, she must be tired I thought. Then tutor put his hand inside her dress at the bottom, and her panties fluttered to the floor, her dress followed quickly afterwards. The tutor he dropped his trousers and then, oh dear, he turned to the piano, and it was then I thought aha, he is probably going to piss all over the piano
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| From Jim Stear ... |
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A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple."Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
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| From John Frost ... |
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Chalky died in a fire and was burned pretty bad.The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends,Jack and Sid,were called for.Jack went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.Jack looked and said,"Yup,he"s burnt pretty bad.Roll him over."So the mortician rolled him over and Jack look and said,"Nope, aintChalky."The mortician thought that was rather strange and he was pretty sure of thebody"s identity.Sid was then brought in to identify the body.Sid took a look at him andsaid, Yup,he"s burnt real bad.Roll him over."The mortician rolled him over and Sid looked down and said,"Nope, ain"tChalky."The mortician asked "How can you tell?"Sid said, "Well,Chalky had two assholes.""What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician."Yup,everyone knew about it,too.Every time we went to town,people wouldsay, "Here comes Chalky with them two assholes."
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| From Jim Stear ... |
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Three men; one German, one Japanese and an Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager,"he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.The Texan finally said-------"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
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| From Chris Fletcher ... |
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Suzy and Bob driving through countryside in Winter,"Bob, Bob stop, there's an injured animal at the roadside !",Bob exits the vehicle to find a semi-concious skunk, obviously suffering the effects of the recent freeze."I'll lay it on the back seat and head for a vet", says Bob.Bob heads for the next town."The poor thing is shivering Bob. Do you think it's going to die ? We need to keep it warm","Place the skunk between your legs","But what about that awful smell ?!","Just stick two fingers in it's nostrils, should be okay".
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