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| 1. Two Eskimos sitting in a canoe were chilly, and so decided to light a fire. Of course it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it. |
| 2. Two weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. |
| 3. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. |
| 4. Ghandi was old and frail and often traveled barefoot for months on end spreading his message of spirituality and peace, eating heavily spiced Indian food with little or no oral hygiene. In other words, he was a "Super-Calloused-Fragile-Mystic Plagued With Halitosis". |
| 5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because" he said, "I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." |
| 6. There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. |
| 7. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal’. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ‘Juan’. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal." |
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8.One day a lonely fisherman stood waiting waist high in ice-cold water for the fish to bite. Suddenly ,it came and the fisherman reeled it in furiously until he was face to face with the fish. Ha Ha, he laughed to the fish you are mine for my supper tonight. Wait, Wait ,cried the fish ,don't eat me I'm only a young fish called Rusty and I'm on my way out to sea to become a famous book writer. Why should I let you go again ,said the fisherman,when my family and I are starving and need a good meal? Because ,said the fish, when I come back ,and I will,my book will be written and I'll then let you catch me again for your supper ,but right now I need to right my book and be famous for the name of fishes everywhere,so I'll see you again in a year. Erm ok then said the fisherman and he let the fish go again. A year later the fisherman went back to the river and sure enough he got the biggest bite in his life and pulled in a massive superb fish, sheepishly he asked the fish ,is it you? A promise is a promise, said the fish,in my year I have travelled out to sea and saw things no-one could imagine, wrecks on the seabeds and you wouldn't believe the things that go on round them and its on this subject I have written my book. On the way home the fisherman asked what is the name of this fine and famous book then.... to which the fish replied..... Titanic tales by Salmon Rusty.!!! Sent in by Alistair Parker |